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i'm back, lol. You know I always come back when... i feel down and all... I've been happy for a while, eh?

Yeah, I was... I was happy for a while, but now... I'm on the biggest dip on my emotional rollercoaster. A lot's been happened... This and That...

Yea, I know, this xanga is my place for confession, since I never go to church ever... but... there's been some extremely personal stuff that's been going on..

Haha... i dunno what to say. I have nothing to say. Maybe next time, i'll bring a happier news i guess lol...

Why does all the asians have to be so "sensitive" with girls?

Ok, first it's one of my friend who got depressed for a month for not getting a girlfriend, after he gets one he is obsessed with her.

Second, it's another of my friend who likes a girl... -.- and er... -.- stuff stuff... (sorta hard to say)

and then it's virginia tech, who the KKOORREEAANN guy kills 32 people just because he and his gf were fighting.

I mean is it that much of a big deal?

To me, yes i think girl problem and relationship problem should give u a huge deal, and make u feel pain. But it is a pain that is privileged to you. U know what that means? Even though you feel pain of girls, it's a happy sorta pain. U know what i mean? I really don't know how i can describe this, but this "love" thing... should be... a happy thing where even though you are hurt, desperate, waiting, nervous... it all starts with happiness, and ends with happiness.

I dunno... seems like to me... even i like a girl, and dunno what to do and feel sad, still a part of me is very happy. VERY happy. When I'm rejected by a girl and cry for days, still a part of me is very happy. When I break up with my gf and goes on a depression stage, still a part of me is happy. When I feel nervous before a date, or confession, still a part of me is very happy... because... that person should make you HAPPY. If that person makes u sad, why do like 'em? It definitely does not make sense. You know'm saying?

Well, i've gone through a lot just because of girls, so it's not in my standing to say this... but i still feel this way.

And... to the families of the victims of Virginia Tech massacre... I am very sorry to hear that news... and I am sure you won't be able to get over it for ages. However, I wish you would feel better as soon as possible and I'm pretty sure your son/daughters were amazing people.

maybe writing at this late hour is my thing
but i just had a craving for writing...
altho i should sleep so i'll make it short
i just realized... i've been having trouble a lot lately
i've been having trouble on being patient, dealing w/ friends parents and school
calming myself down, etc
I cannot commit anything to myself, nor can I ever control myself.
What I think right now that i'm doing is killing me. Even when I know that, I still do it
I blame it on something else than me, and I know it's wrong.
I plan on fixing myself. I'm like a robot that's gone bad w/ the programming
I will fix myself, and get my enthusiasm back in my life

After the first semester, I lost the thing called "hope" in my life.
the "hope" was totally destroyed w/ a series of events.
Those events... were all my fault, and I still blamed it on the world and just lost "hope" in life, since the world will destroy my life anyway, why hope?
I know it's wrong. it's terribly wrong. God helps those who helps themselves.
I would love to believe that, but I feel like i'm too hurt to... turn myself back.
But I should, I know I should. I have to. I wasn't born in this world to live like a dumbass going wild.

Probably right now i'm writing this because i'm thinking of a person -.- a person that i admire and love. a person who seems to be tangible but not tangible at the same time. a person who means so much for me that it's just too great for me to like. a person who's way out there. a person in a picture: who i can see, but that's probably all I can do.
I thought I have forgotten about her. I felt triumph. I felt I was worth something that I did something that I wanted. However... I realized a couple weeks ago, that... It was just my denial phase... A denial that I like her. A denial that I liked her, and a denial that I will like her.
But I guess it won't work. Geez I hate my helpfulness in front of love. Everybody says it's hard to overcome love, but man I am so pathetic. That was one of the reason I wanted to go to the army. To forget about everything, everything especially her. Now the plan's ruined, and I'll have to face her all the time next year, especially with Math 521...
I dunno... i'm gonna go 2 sleep now

i feel so depressed

we'll see how things go

maybe i'll start liking her again... or start admitting that i like her

we'll see